to Jude, on your first birthday

Dear Jude,

It's amazing that you've only been in our lives for one short year, but on the other hand it feels like you've been with us forever. It's hard to remember what life was like without you; you bring us so much joy, so many happy tears, and a whole new perspective on how our Heavenly Father loves us. We've had to change: become less selfish, more flexible, and more loving. Oh, so much more love... it's like you opened the door to a whole new room in our hearts called "love for Jude" that we didn't even know existed... and it's a HUGE room! The moment we met you face-to-face for the first time was an amazing, life-changing, beautiful, holy moment. Daddy sang and Mama cried. Even the nurses and midwife cried. You were the only one who wasn’t crying!

Those first days in the hospital were pivotal for us as a family. There was one evening when you were struggling to regulate your blood sugar and not doing so well, that night was the point where we realized, in sharp focus, that you belong more to the Lord than to us, and just how much we, as your parents, needed to lean on our Heavenly Father to carry us through this journey of parenting you. We knew how inadequate we were- and ARE- but that we could do it... it was God's grace that poured down and met us there in the hospital room as we cried out to Him for wisdom, strength, and His power for each moment. It was at that point that we really became parents, and our family was formed.

And this lifelong journey has had an incredible beginning. This first year has gone by so fast, but it still feels like we're just getting to know you. Every night when we lay you down in your crib, we sing "Amazing Grace" because it's only by the grace of our loving Heavenly Father that you have been born to us, sweet son. You are a reminder of His past and future grace to us, Jude. We are humbled and proud to be your parents. So we look back with so much amazement and gratitude.

But we're also looking forward... no, we're especially looking forward. There are days ahead of us that will be hard, days that will end up being our sweetest memories, days that are ordinary and yet magical. As your personality begins to emerge and we get to know your likes and dislikes, preferences, and little quirks, we're hit with the reality that even now, as small as you still are, we are building a relationship with a little person. You're so much more than a "charge", like a dog or a cat. You are even now being shaped... a baby who will all too soon become a boy, who will then become a man. A man that we hope with all our hearts will have an all-consuming thirst for God, a love for his fellow men, a rich relationship with us, a love and partnership with a wife, and a loving care for his own children. It's a heavy responsibility, but an amazingly exciting one, to grow a man.

Really, it's a journey of letting go... starting from birth, to taking your first independent steps, going to school, driving a car, moving into your own place, getting married and starting your own little family, if those are things that God has for you. Our responsibility is to prepare you for these things by pointing you to your Heavenly Father so you can seek Him and hear His voice to you... and to let you go to follow Him.

Life will be hard, and there will be disappointments, loss, and heartache. We don't pretend to know all the answers, but we long to talk through the night with you as we seek the One who is weaving your story of His grace. We can't wait to tell you about the wonders found in Christ... of grace, mercy, forgiveness, justice, truth, holiness, love, and glory. Each one of these words carries much weight and meaning to us personally as they have transformed our lives and the way we love each other. We want you to see the real us, not as perfect parents who "know best", but as flawed humans in need of grace and forgiveness, even as we walk in the sin-killing power of the Holy Spirit.

If there are only two things that you learn from us, let them be that God is always working FOR you, and we will always love you no matter what. Seek righteousness, revel in forgiveness. We're in this life together, son... and we are with you at the foot of the cross, where we pray that you will always find yourself.

As you watch this video, listen carefully to the words of this song; there are many rich word pictures, and the story it tells paints a vivid picture of our heart for you as you grow into a young man fighting your way in faith through this world.

Jude: Year One from Rob Hulson on Vimeo.

"Lesson one - do not hide
Lesson two - there are right ways to fight
And if you have questions
We can talk through the night

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
it's too far to walk
But you don't have to run
you'll get there in time

Lesson three - you're not alone
Not since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run, this
will still be your home

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
it's too far to walk
But you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
Get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to
wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling,
bad things come undone
You weather love and lose your innocence

There will be liars and
thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

If you weather love and lose your innocence
Just remember - lesson one"


And lastly, never forget the words that end your namesake book of the Bible:

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." (Jude 24-25)

We love you, Son.

~ Daddy and Mama

up and down

Remember the entry I posted a while back wherein I bemoaned the fact that Jude wasn't eating much? Yeah well, things have changed.

Just this morning he gobbled up:

• a 5 ounce bottle of homemade formula
  
• half a banana
  
• one cup of whole-milk yogurt
  
• about 3 tablespoons-ish of ground turkey
  
• half a cup of applesauce
  
• 1/4 cup of tapioca pudding
  
• half a whole-wheat organic toaster waffle (that he's still working on)
  

And it's not even 9 am yet! I don't know where he's putting it all; he's still, as his doctor says, "long and lean". All the crawling and walking attempts/practice must be hard work! Huh, maybe I should try it instead of running for exercise? haha

Speaking of, I've been upping the ante lately; my runs are longer (20 minutes non-stop with no- walk breaks today!) and I'm lifting heavier weights during my Ripped workouts. I'm definitely feelin' it. I'm about to start a 3 month Ripped challenge with some online friends and I'm feeling excited! I'm also thinking about doing a juice cleanse and then going vegetarian for a week or two after that, just to give myself another kick in the pants as I start off my Autumn routine.

Gosh, I'm starting to sound like my life revolves around food and its effects. Hrm... it kinda does. And I don't even really like to cook. haha

nostalgia, part one

So wow, it's August! Erm, it's actually past the middle of August... the 17th, to be exact. Last year on this day I was 10 days away from going through one of the most horribly painful, life-altering, and wonderful experiences of my life, but I didn't know it yet. I was blissfully unaware of the deep valley I was about to go through, and ignorant of the love-explosion that was about to happen. I was still worried that I "wouldn't love Jude" (oh I laugh at myself now) because I'm really not much of a "baby person".

What's amazing to me is how much I've changed. Not just in the obvious way- of course I love my son. And that is a dramatic understatement. It's like the day he was born a door in my heart was opened to reveal a whole room that I didn't have before... my heart actually grew a whole new section. (Figuratively, of course. No extra aortic chambers here) So that's the obvious way in which I've changed, and while it seems obvious now as I look back (duh, I'm going to love the heck outta that baby) it was so new and scary and I was so skeptical *before* I had him. I'm positive it was the grace of God that I have this vast amount of love for him now. And boy am I glad, because you kind of need vast amounts of love to make it through all the crap babies can throw at you. Literally and figuratively. ;)

The not-so-obvious ways in which I've changed are harder to put my finger on; harder to define in so many words. I'm more tender, more attuned to others' suffering, more responsible (ha), more sensitive to emotional pain, and more patient with things that would have driven me batty before, it's like I have this well of patience inside me that amazes me... I often think to myself "why am I even able to deal with this right now??" I know all these things aren't fundamentally from ME, they are gifts of the Holy Spirit as he works on changing me from the inside. And boy, did I need changing. Do. Still DO need changing.

That's another thing that this parenting gig is bringing out- just how selfish I really am. I mean, it's not like I always just LOVE making baby meals 4x a day, cleaning up hands, face, hair, highchair tray, table, floor, walls, etc. after each meal, changing the 3rd poopy diaper of the day- at noon, worrying over whether he getting enough food, etc, etc, etc. There are definitely times when I think back fondly on the years of just "R&R" (without the "J") and wish we could be that carefree again, and sometimes I begrudge the day-in, day-out tasks of my chosen career. It's never been more obvious to me just how much I need *continual* changing, by the power of the Holy Spirit. It's just been so interesting and amusing to me to watch the Lord use my 'lil Jude-man as that agent of change.

And a cute little agent he is, dontcha think?

on freedom

When my last post about guilt cross-posted over on Facebook, I got a lot of comments agreeing and sympathizing with me. One of my friends (hi Lindsay!) said "Guilt.Guilt.Guilt. I live with it daily. I would love to be FREE from it.
Please, oh please." Her use of the word "free" really hit me, and I started mulling over the concept of freedom and what it means to be truly set free from something.. in this case, a crippling mindset.

I wrote in the FB comments: "Honestly, I don't want to come under condemnation for 'how good I am' or 'what I do', because that is just NOT from Christ. It's self-imposed. And I'm the only one measuring me against some unrealistic ideal woman-mother-wife that lives in my head. (She has a flat tummy, by the way. haha) And I really don't want to be characterized by feeling guilty about what I'm 'supposedly' failing in. What a killjoy, huh?"

I think the thing is that I am imposing this guilt-complex on myself. No one tells me I'm doing a bad job as a mother or a wife (or friend, or daughter, or sister... the list goes on). In fact, I hear the opposite 100x more often that I ever hear any whisper of missed expectations from anyone. It's all in my head. That same friend also commented "I compare myself to "PerfectWoman" all the time. The thing is, I take bits of "perfection" that various friends have, then combine them all into SuperWoman and expect myself to live up to her. It's not easy to let that go." So we make up a composite woman who has every skill we think we need, then come under self-imposed guilt when we don't live up to PerfectWoman.

So that's the crippling mindset. Where does freedom come in? My friend Johanna wrote: "And also? There is therefore now NO condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. So take that fail/guilt!" There is a difference between condemnation and conviction. As I've been thinking about this, I think that condemnation is this self-imposed guilt that I've been battling and talking about here. It's not *only* self-imposed, it can come from others too (more on that later, maybe!), but in my case, it's all me, baby. It's me telling myself that I'm not living up to something that I'm simply not called to live up to, Biblically speaking. I think that conviction, on the other hand, is from the Holy Spirit and points out the places where I'm not living up to what I AM called to do... like say, live peaceably with all men, or any number of Scriptural mandates. The hard part is figuring out which one I'm feeling at the moment. Sometimes it's clear to me in my head, and sometimes it's really confusing. And understanding is only half the battle, the other half is actually pulling out of the fog of feelings. Reminding myself of scripture verses helps, listening to friends speak the truth is a huge help for me too. Sometimes I just have to beg God for grace in the moment to get me out of the slump, and keep me out. And He will... He does. It was for freedom that we were set free!

I know I've quoted this song here before, but I can't get over how good it is... the message of freedom- freedom FROM my sinful self-centeredness, and freedom TO confidence, love, joy, and peace- is HOPE, even for selfish, whiny, self-condemning people like me.

Derek Webb's Lover. Watch it.



Lyrics | Derek Webb - Lover lyrics

My favorite verse is the last:

"I am my beloveds and my beloved's mine
so you bring all your history and I'll bring the bread and wine
and we'll have us a party where all the drinks are on me
then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free "

It's just humbling and amazing to me that His blood + body are for ME right now, and continuously, as I struggle through the daily ins and outs of life, not just for "my past". That's power and promise that changes me from my fog of self-centeredness, (*whine, whine* "I'm not doing everything right" "I'm not PerfectWoman!" *whine whine*) guilt, and shame, to humble confidence that my God is (right now!) supplying what I need to do what He as asked me to do. He is enough. And that brings me freedom.

(Now I need to remember this "preaching to myself" post tomorrow- when PerfectWoman appears in my mind again, wearing heels and an apron around her 25-inch waist, pulling rack of lamb out of the oven!)

on guilt

It's Sunday morning and I'm catching up on my blog reader (qualifier- we go to church on Saturday nights). Yes, I felt the need to put a qualifier; you'll understand after your read the rest of this post. I came across this post from OMG Mom about "mommy guilt". Go read it then come back and read the rest of this post, it will make so much more sense.

Read it? Okay, good... carrying on then. All I can say is that I TOTALLY relate. Why do we do it to ourselves? I have no idea, but that guilt is almost always there, no matter which option I take. Illustration: Just yesterday Jude flat-out refused to eat or take his bottle except for a little bit in the morning. The day before at his 9-month checkup (which I was 2 months late for. GUILT) our doctor lectured me that he needs to eat more/more often. GUILT. But then my sensible side kicked in and I wanted to ask if *she* has a picky 11-month old. (No. she is a single, successful young doctor and is obviously rolling in dough. Hate) So when Jude wouldn't "EAT, dammit"... I got mad. Really, really mad. I didn't scream at him or anything, but he knew I was mad because I was banging plates and slamming cupboard doors like a 5-year-old. GUILT. So then what happens later that night? He comes down with a raging fever. Turns out he wasn't being obstinate and making my life miserable by not eating his peas like I thought (really? an 11-month old?), but he was getting sick. GUILT. I got mad at a sick baby for not eating. SHAME.

So I'm trying to make it better today by only giving him his favorite foods (bananas + yogurt) and not making him finish it, but THAT is making me feel guilty because I keep seeing Rich Single Doctor in the back of my mind shaking her head and writing notes on Jude's chart as she observes my failure to include protein. GUILT.

So now I'm eating a piece of toasted banana bread in bed from Starbucks, even though I still have 15 lbs. of pregnancy weight to lose. GUILT. And I just got a text from my good pal Johanna about the freaking *triathlon* she was in this morning. She's down 40 lbs. from her pre-preggo weight and her baby is only 6 weeks older than mine. FAIL. GUILT.

I can't win.

But I can do makeup really well, for what THAT'S worth.

last week...

...was a very good week. The time spent with my parents was so much fun, and non-stop action! It's kind of amazing to me how my parents, at nearly 60ish, can outlast Rob and I- and Jude- but they can, almost every time. They're pretty much the busiest, most productive, go-go-go people I know. I love their drive and purposefulness and vision of life, God, and family. I get excited around them, i feel like life just has so much potential, and the possibilities are endless. Inspiring and tiring!

We kicked off their visit with a BBQ in our common area with our small group and some new friends. Can't go wrong with burgers, beers, and buddies. (Okay yeah, that was cheesy, I admit)

In the middle of the week, we took a roadtrip "up north" to Duluth for a two-nights' stay in a historic home. While we were there, we toured the Glensheen Mansion, a gigantic turn-of-the-century mansion (so. awesome.), walked along the shore of Lake Superior, watched one of the biggest barges on the Lake go under a bridge (quite the local spectacle), and spent our relatively lazy evenings on the screened-in porch eating various organic local offerings from the "Whole Foods" down the street. (I quote the name because while they were called Whole Foods, they were not part of the national chain, and made a point to make that known)

Mom and I also found time to hit up various consignment stores while she was here (of course!) and we both came away with some stellar finds. I got something like 10 items for about $20, including a brand-new pair of Ralph Lauren trouser jeans, and Mom did even better. Plus, it's always more fun shopping with her than going alone!

I ran across a Groupon for 1/2 off a dinner cruise on Lake Minnetonka (just southeast of the Twin Cities area) so we concluded the week with a narrated cruise while munching on delicious fajitas and gawking at the multi-billion dollar mansions on the shoreline. Such fun!

My favorite snapshot of the week was taken on the deck of the dinner-cruise yacht:



I already miss them.

I'm not a blogger...

...and I'm finally coming to terms with it.

Really though, every time I think "oh that would be a fun thing to blog about" I actually just end up Tweeting it, which automatically posts it to Facebook, where I get loads of comments and interaction... and that does it for me. But then when I do actually want to post a blog entry, I am immediately filled with guilt about how much time has passed since I last blogged (hmm, reminds me of my journaling habits) and I feel compelled to explain why I haven't posted anything in... 6 months? I And I really don't like blogging about blogging. Or not blogging, as the case may be. :P

AT ANY RATE, here I am now. I'm taking it easy this morning while Jude is down for his morning nap and Rob is at work; I spent yesterday in a cloud of dust, cleaning supplies, and decorations in preparation for my parents' visit. They got here yesterday afternoon on a plane that was an hour and a half late, forcing me to waste 5 gallons of gas circling the baggage claim before giving up and parking, wasting 6 dollars and an hour trying to keep a curious and tired 10-month-old happy in a crowded, dirty airport. But that's another story.

I pulled a fast one on my folks and had our small group over for a cookout last night, which they helped with, and seemed to enjoy, despite being up since 4 am. They really are good sports! After everyone left, we sat out on our deck admiring the sunset while Rob read a bit from one of his latest favorite books, Notes From The Tilt-O-Whirl. Then we decided to be super-spiritual and watch Jim Gaffigan... but not before watching a selection from the Beatles Anthology; the video of their live broadcast of "All You Need Is Love" (and flowers in your hair, apparently).

It was a lovely evening, but I think we wore my parents out because it's 10:15 am and they are still sleeping, which is unheard of. My mom is usually up with the birds, and my dad almost always makes a coffee run before Mom gets up. But I do have to remember that it's two hours later here than it is in Nevada, so to them it's only 8:15. Rob and I kept Jude sufficiently quiet when he woke up at 7:30 (thank you, God- a sleep-in morning for me!) and now he's already been zonked out for an hour. As is obvious, I casually sashayed over to this dusty old blog to see if anything creative sprang to mind to share with the faceless masses on the nebulous blob that is The Internet.

We have lots of fun things planned for the week; tomorrow we're heading up to Duluth for two nights, then dashing home in time for Rob to make Saturday evening worship practice and church, I have a wedding on Sunday for which I am doing the makeup on a LOVELY bride and several bridesmaids at a gorgeous historic mansion, then on Monday we're going to explore Lake Minnetonka and gawk at all the muli-million dollar houses, finishing the evening off with dinner aboard a yacht. 'Twill be a lovely, busy week! We may even have to squeeze a trip to the zoo in there somewhere, too.

I love that I have so much fun with my parents; they are getting cooler and even more fun the older I get... or am I getting older and less cool? Either way, we love hanging out together and talking about God, life, trials, encouragements, and the occasional glass of good wine. I saw this on Postsecret a few weeks ago, and had it saved in an open browser window on my iPhone since then... I was planning on emailing it to my mom, but it really fits this post well:



It's true, it really is.

And now, I'm going to go make avocado toast and coffee, then get ready to go check out a sale at TurnStyle (local consignment chain) and maybe hit Trader Joe's for Duluth-trip snacks. Greek yogurt, perhaps?

Until next time, my friends!

nine months

Thirty-eight and a half weeks ago:



Thirty-nine weeks ago:



Now:



Nine months is a big milestone in my mind. It's exactly the length of time that Jude was alive *inside* of me, and today he's been breathing air *outside* of me for exactly nine months. It's just a special date to me. To celebrate, he got his first tooth a few days ago! The funny thing is, it's not a bottom center tooth, not a top center tooth, but a top *side* tooth. Yep, little Mr. Snaggletooth! It's really cute and quirky... I'd share a picture IF he would let me take one. But every time he shows it off when he's laughing, I reach for the camera and his lips clamp together in an airtight -and mama's fingers tight- seal. So, no dice. I'll have to tag-team it with Rob so one of us can make him giggle and the other can stealthily snap the photo. I can see the corresponding tooth on the other side about to come in, too... AND it looks like the center two are not far behind. Overachiever.

In other news, Rob is deep in the midst of writing his last papers, sermons, outlines, summaries, and book reviews for BCS. Today he had his last class (YAY!) and tonight at the stroke of midnight his last paper is due. It's been rough around here; he was at the resource center at the BBC downtown campus until 3:30am a few nights ago, then last night he pulled a serious all-nighter, I came out at 8am and he was still in the same spot that I had left him 8 hours before. (yes, I sleep in late. So does Jude. Most of the time) Currently, Rob is at the resource center finishing one of his 20-page papers on Edwards, or worship, or the book of Acts. I hope to see him before I go to bed. That man has been so hard-working, I can't believe it. BCS has been harder on him than we imagined; he started the first year off by being late to the kick-off picnic because we had just rolled into town after driving all night and day back from Oklahoma for his grandma's funeral. The first day of class this year was August 27th. Yes, the day of Jude's big debut. So Rob has always felt a day late and a dollar short. But he has absolutely made the best of it, despite working three jobs equalling 35+ hours a week on top of his full load of classes. Shew! And all I did was grow, birth, and have 24/7 care of a helpless human being. To say we've had a busy few years would be an understatement. :)

I was talking to my Dad tonight, and he and my Mom have been doing some "inventory" of their own. He told me that in the last 10 years they have been to Africa to preach/teach five times, buried all four of their parents, married off their daughter (who moved half-way across the country), saw all their sons leave the proverbial nest (and also move far away), and remodeled two houses from top to bottom. While pastoring a church. Good grief, my parents NEVER slow down. And I love them for it.

I'm really excited about the next phase of life, not only for us, but also for my parents and my brothers. We're all in places of transition right now, and it's a little scary, a lot risky, and- since Jesus is our anchor- very exciting.

Even though Rob is done with all the official BCS work, he does have 4 more classes that he will be taking; he is in the Worship Concentration, and these four classes weren't offered earlier. The standard schedule for these classes is one per semester for another two years, but Rob is talking with the professors to see if there's any way we can consolidate that into just one more calendar year. So, if all goes well, we will be totally and completely DONE and graduated at this time next year. Which means... well, it means a lot of things. All along we have been asking God to show us just enough "light" for each step as we take it, and right now, the step after BCS graduation isn't lit up. But we're fairly sure a move from Minneapolis is most likely in the works. Where to? No idea. haha, I love this risk thing! Until then, this summer is going to full of relaxation, day trips (dangit, we are GOING to Duluth!), family visits, and plenty of BBQ's and late-night stargazing. Starting tomorrow.

Bring it.

today, I am grateful.

I'm grateful that I get to change Jude's poopy diaper. Again. And again.

I'm grateful that I didn't get to rest this afternoon because he took a short nap. I heard his happy baby sounds only 45 minutes after I put him down, not after an hour and a half, like usual.

I'm grateful that I have a big hamper full of dirty baby clothes and spit-up stained cloths to lug down 4 flights of stairs to the wash.

I'm grateful for his new-found skill of rocking back and forth on all fours, his face beaming up at me like he has just climbed a mountain, because for him, he has.

I'm grateful that he can see with his blue eyes, hear with his perfectly flat little ears, move his chubby little baby arms and legs, and can make noise (oh the noise!) with his fat little lips.

I don't want to take these "common mercies" for granted. I know that laundry and poopy diapers and crying babies aren't the most thrilling things, and they are definitely not the first things that come to mind when I "count my blessings". But there are some mothers who long for these things and do not have them... like my friend Jane whose firstborn has Cerebral Palsy and will never walk... or my friend Sarah who delivered her firstborn at 20 weeks, feeling his tiny kicks all through her agonizingly early labor until moments before his stillbirth... or my friends Molly, Amanda, and Shae whose babies died inside them just weeks before they were to be born, wiggly and squealing, into happy, welcoming arms.

I want my eyes to be opened to see the beauty of the mundane, and my heart to be made alive to the mercy of God that is mine with every new breath I take. I don't want to take any of the moments I have *right now* for granted, no matter where I am on my journey. My friend Leslie reminds me of this; she lost her son when he was 19. My friend Holly reminds me of this; she lost her only brother last year when he was 16. Life is a gift.

More often than not, I forget this. Without realizing it I start to live with the assumption that I deserve my life, and it should be happy, easy, and "normal", and then I slip into the thinking that I'm owed a happy, pain-free life. I want to keep the thought before me that each new morning is a gift I don't deserve, made possible by the hand of God, and I want to use it to live out my praise and thanks to the Giver of life. He *sustains*. And that is what I am grateful for today.

And now, I need to go change a poopy diaper.

six months. 182.5 days. half a year.

Today Jude is six months old.



It's absolutely unreal how fast these last six months have flown by. It feels like a blur! I knew it at the time... I remember thinking when he was 3, 6, 10 weeks old that the days were going by so fast, and now we're already at the half-year point! Sometimes I feel like I "just had a baby" and other times it seems like he's been a part of our lives for so long that it's hard to remember what daily life looked without him.



Well, okay, I *can* remember, but it feels very distant. I suppose that's due to the fact that babies are just so all-encompasing. They permeate every single aspect of your life; your days, your nights, your going out, and your staying in. I used to be upset when people would discount my thoughts on children because I wasn't a parent and "couldn't possibly know what it's really like". And to some degree I still feel that is a bad reason to discount someone's opinions, but I'm starting- just starting- to understand why... you earn this thing called parenting experience with many sleepless nights, tears, and core-changing growth.



I'm really surprised how much being a mother (ack, that's still so odd!) has changed me, and how much it hasn't. I'm still ME, with my same tastes, loves, and quirks, but I'm a different, mellower, deeper version of me. I'm also surprised at how much I love, really love, being a mother. I was so worried about my ability and even questioned my mothering instinct up until the day Jude was born. I remember even telling my mom that I really wished that I was going to have a puppy instead of a baby! She really reassured me by telling me that she felt similar feelings toward children before she had me, and evidentaly she liked me so much she went on to have three more kids, so something must have changed. haha But seriously, I am amazed at how much I like Jude, and like being home with him. I definitely had to work through my fears of boredom and inability, and the working out of those fears came with many tears and really only by taking one trembly step after another. I've never had to lean hard on the Lord like I had to in the first month or two of Jude's life, but He has and is proving Himself strong for me, and I'm really enjoying this scary thing called motherhood.



Anyway, I didn't even really mean to get deep, and I feel like I barely scratched the surface of what I could say about all the ways the Lord is showing me more of who He is. Mainly I just wanted to commemorate Jude's 6 month mark with a few words and pictures. He's great. Really great.

I've always thought flowcharts were cool

I ran across this on the interwebbie the other day and just had to laugh.

five years ago today

Five years ago on January 21, 2005 I was in the middle of a major remodeling project on my bathroom after having just moved back in with my parents. I took a break for a day and drove up to Tahoe to enjoy the scenery... and talk & text with "this guy" who I was "just friends" with. I took this picture and later sent it to him:



Later that night I was working on my computer, and spending at least half my time talking to "him" on AIM. Around dinnertime (I remember I was cooking yellow squash, among other things, I'm sure) he sent me a song. Keith Urban's I Wanna Love Somebody Like You. I kinda hyperventilated.

Much later that night, he called me on the phone and we talked for about 5 hours... until Rob got up the nerve to tell me, in a 15-minute monologue, that he was attracted to me. I responded with an e-mail that I had already written, telling him that our friendship was torturing me... and I needed him to make the first move. I'm so glad he did. My life has never been the same... I love you, Rob Hulson!

I don't think I took my headset out of my ear for the next year and 10 months



and neither did he

one year ago today

A year ago today I was packing to go visit my parents and family for Christmas.



A year ago today I decided to use a 2-year old pregnancy test on a whim instead of throwing it away.



A year ago today I got the most amazing surprise that changed my life forever...


Jude was coming to be our very own tiny son!

Well, of course we didn't yet know that it was Jude who was causing that shock-inducing little pink line, but that was our first indication that he was going to be a part of our lives forever. And what a part he has already played! My life is vastly different than it was a year ago today; it's fuller, tired-er, more responsible, and so much richer than I imagined it could or would be.

A year ago today I didn't know what it felt like to have my son's (MY son!) big blue eyes blink up at me and then see his whole face break into a huge grin. A whole new compartment of my heart has been opened... I didn't know I could love a tiny person so very much! Welcome to our crazy lives, Jude... we're going to have so many fun adventures!

Today!

Christmasey fun

It's definitely starting to feel like Christmas! Yesterday I spent the day baking and cooking for our small group Christmas party, and when I got home last night I made 10 dozen shortbread cookies for a cookie exchange party today. For a girl who doesn't love to cook, that was a lot. I had a really good time doing it, too. I think I figured out a theory: I like to make superfluous and "fun" stuff, but I don't like to do the day in, day out dinners. Haha, convenient, huh? Actually, I *have* been cooking and stuff a lot more in the last few weeks, I feel like I'm getting more on top of things in life so I have more time to meal plan and execute.

So, last night's small group party was load of fun! We ate delicious noms, did the traditional gift exchange (I was the only one who "played dirty" and stole-- a gift card to Caribou from Kyle! Heh, sorry, Kyle!). We played a rousing game of Buzzword and the ladies lost by just a few points. Next year, guys... you're goin' down! But there was also kind of a sadness behind the fun because Kyle and Johanna are moving to help start a small group in their area, starting January 5th. K&J have been such awesome supporters of our small group endeavor; the first time we mentioned the possibility of starting one, they immediately said they'd join us. It's been such a huge morale boost to have them behind us all the way, it will be such a huge change to not have their comments, input, and support each week. Uh oh... I'd better not think too much about it or I might cry! We're excited about what the Lord has ahead of them in their own town, and know that they will be a huge blessing to everyone they're involved with. And anyway, we'll see them for church on Saturday nights starting soon. So it's all so good.

The ladies


Our hot honeys + Cory


Although it's usually a bit more like this:



And this:



Lots of love in this group. Oh yes.



The cookie exchange this morning was all kinds of awesome, too... fun meeting new friends and re-connecting with others. And the cookies? Can I just say *ahhh-may-zing*? I ended up with way too many cookies for two people to legally consume- russian tea cookies, ginger-chocolate chip, sugar cookies, spicy crinkle things, peanut butter balls, gingersnaps, chocolate chip, peanut butter with the chocolate kiss on tip, shortbread, and some fudge thrown in for good measure! I'm sure I'm missing some, too. the table was positively creaking under the weight.

Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures of the event, so I'll just have to wait for Jo or someone to load some up on Facebook so I can steal them, just like I nicked those ^ small group ones from Kyle and a few from Jessica. Cuz that's how I roll. Hey, at least I'm giving credit, right? ;)

And now the little Jude-man is down for his final nap of the day and I'm just finishing a russian tea cookie and some hot tea, with Chesterton curled up by my feet. Mmm, so cozy!

congrats, Rob!

So I keep thinking that I'm going to blog. That thought is immediately followed by the ideas that I need to be 1) eloquent, 2)have something deep and insightful to say, 3)cool and witty. I then give up on my blog post before it even had the chance to see the light of day.

A good friend of mine recently told me that all she does is post little snippets of things that are a part of her day, so I'm gonna give that a try. Who knows... I just may resurrect this poor lonely blog after all.

So for starters:

Rob and are taking off for Chicago on Friday morning. He is going to walk with his graduating class at Moody Bible Institute on Saturday morning! Yes, yes... he IS in his second year of his master's at TBI (which is now BCS, but I can't call it that yet) but this is for his undergrad work. Rob likes to joke that he "crammed a 4-year degree into 8 years!", but also during those 8 years he worked full-time, moved across the country three times, got married, started grad school, and had a baby (well, technically *I* had the baby, but you get the point). All that to say that I'm immensely proud of my hard-working husband! Way to go, Babes... it won't be long until late-night exam cramming is a thing of the past!

Anyone have any cool spots we shouldn't miss in Chicago?

baby Jude meets the big, bad world!

Hello dead blog! I think I'll resurrect you... Lazarus, come forth!

I've obviously had Jude since I've written anything here, and I figure it's about time to post the story of his birth before I forget all the gory details (which I do hope happens soon!)

After my last day of work on Friday 8/21/09, I had been feeling "crampy" and just overall kinda out of it over the weekend, and all day Sunday I had regular, slightly painful contractions, but not anything that stopped me from going about life. Rob and I went to church Saturday night, and then he played/sang for both services on Sunday morning; I met him for a Caribou Coffee date between services. We also had the kickoff picnic/retreat for BCS (school) that day and we both went even though I didn't feel 100%. I remember telling people that I was 10 days away from my due date, huh. This was taken that weekend:



The next day (Monday) I made out a grand plan for my week, figuring I had at least two weeks before Jude's arrival and I didn't want to be sitting around just w-a-i-t-i-n-g for him to come. I buzzed around doing all sorts of projects and making phone calls, feeling energetic and pretty good, with occasional cramping spells. I talked to my mom on the phone about my plans for the week and she told me she thought I was going to go into labor sooner than I thought based on my current burst of energy. I laughed. By that evening, I was having regular "cramps" (I was unwilling to call them anything else) and ended up canceling dinner/movie plans with friends to stay home and rest. Rob was at the BCS retreat, but had already decided he wasn't going to stay the night, just in case I needed him.

Tuesday morning I felt better and decided to keep on going with my to-do list for the week… and felt the need to add in making zucchini bread and oatmeal raisin cookies. For some reason, I felt this was of utmost importance. hahaha I took a nap in the afternoon and woke up to my first "real" contraction… it was strong and serious, not at all like the cramping I had felt earlier. By the time Rob came home from work around 5, I figured it would be a good idea to keep track, and they were averaging about 15 minutes apart, though not at all regularly spaced. We took a walk, made and ate dinner, and I took a bath. Nothing changed; I was still having contractions, but they weren't getting any closer or more difficult… just enough so that I could not rest or get comfortable. At midnight I did drift off to sleep, but had about 10 or so contractions that woke me up over the next 3 hours.

At about 3am I woke Rob up because they were coming faster and stronger- about 6 minutes apart and hard enough that they made me moan and groan much more than before. By 8am we decided to go ahead and call the midwife to figure out if I should keep my 11am regularly scheduled appointment, and call our parents and let them know what was going on. The midwife advised me to go ahead and go to my appt, which I did and found out that I was about 1cm dilated and already about 75% effaced (how they measure that I have no clue, but whatever) I went from that appointment over to the chiropractor to make sure everything was good to go. (that was a difficult adjustment- she had to stop for my contractions about 4 times and it took all I had in me not to make horrible sounds, heh)

The rest of the afternoon is pretty much a blur; I spent most of the time in our bedroom with soft music trying to relax through each contraction, which I did pretty well with until about 4 when they got pretty unbearable. I remember all of a sudden wanting to talk to my Dad, so I called him and as soon as he answered I burst into tears. (what?? totally not me) He was so gracious to talk to me and pray for me, then he told me he had to get back to his meeting- he was signing escrow papers at the bank! By that time I started feeling like we should go in to the hospital lest the neighbors start thinking I was getting murdered. So we called the midwife and explained how I was feeling (or Rob did- I wasn't in any condition to talk on the phone, but I'm sure she heard me) and she told us to come on in.

Getting into the hospital was an experience in itself- the emergency entrance was under construction and the valet guy was on lunch, so they took me up in a wheelchair and I left Rob standing by the car with all our bags. I was totally NOT happy about that at all. By the time he came up to the room, I was already in the oh-so-stylish hospital gown and getting ready for the initial exam/monitoring… which told us that I was only dilated to 3cm, dangit! So what can you do but keep going.



(I don't think anyone looks good in labor, despite my best efforts of doing makeup between contractions before we left home and wearing my own clothes)



The next several (5ish?) hours all run together in my mind; I was in and out of the bathtub, leaning on the side of the bed, walking around the room, and laying on my side trying to relax. Rob did an amazing, amazing job being right by my side every step of the way. Honestly, he was my rock. Every time I felt like my insides were being ripped out with a blunt hook (not even kidding, it was hideously painful) I found the strength I needed by looking into his calm eyes and hearing his steady voice speaking the Word and praying. There were times when it was so painful and I was screaming so much I literally thought to myself in the back of my mind "holy crap, who is this? Oh… it's me." After every particularly vocal contraction (most of them) I would apologize to the midwife and nurses for being so dang loud. They laughed at me later for being "so polite". I remember saying things like "the Chinese didn't invent torture, this is the original deal" and "my mom told me labor was like strong cramps- SHE LIED!" in between contractions. For some reason everyone thought I was so funny. Ha.

At about 12am I got the the point where I couldn't get on top of the contractions and manage them at all any more, so I did what any sane person would do- ask for the freakin epidural, NOW. But Rob and my midwife reminded me that I didn't *really* want that, I really wanted a waterbirth and I could do it. But I was so darn exhausted after not sleeping for about 32 hours that I just couldn't manage the pain at all any more. So came to a compromise; we decided to try Nubane, which would do nothing for the pain, but would hopefully help me get a little bit of rest between contractions. I still have mixed feelings about that, on one hand I think it was a good idea because I did actually doze a bit between contractions, but because I was sleeping sometimes I couldn't feel a contraction coming on and it would catch me by surprise and be all that much worse. So after about an hour or so on the Nubane, we decided to abandon that idea and I went back to the bathtub to tough it out. After about an hour of insanity my midwife checked me and I was [finally] about 8cm, so they started getting the delivery tub ready. I felt like I could focus a bit more knowing that since they were preparing for delivery, the end *must* be in sight, right?

At about 2am I went two doors down to the room with the big delivery tub and climbed in. It was *awesome* being in the deeper water, I could change positions easily and felt much more supported by so much water. When I got in the tub I was about 9cm, so I couldn't start pushing yet, even though I was fighting the urge with everything in me. I think that might have been the worst part. My low back was burning (yep, he was posterior) and my body wanted to DO something with each contraction, but I had to hold back. So frustrating. Finally at about 2:30 I was completely dilated and free to push, which brought a whole new level of exertion and- of course- pain. After every contraction I kept asking if they could see his head, and for some reason that kept me going. Also, I asked the midwife how long each contraction was, and when she told me they were about 45 seconds I told myself that I could handle that. I felt like I was in control a bit more knowing the timeframe I was dealing with.

I pushed for about 2 hours before he started actually coming out. Rob could see what was going on, and he says that in one contraction I pushed him out to about his eyebrows, then on the next contraction I pushed him all the way out in one big rush. From my perspective, all of a sudden there was a tiny bluish someone floating in the water with us! It was pretty surreal to see him for the first time. I didn't' feel a rush of joy or anything yet, just a sense of relief that the pain was gone and an amazement that there was a person in the room who hadn't been there before. I heard the midwife say that the cord was around his neck, and then I saw her spin him around under the water to get it off, which she did very quickly. As soon as it was off, she immediately popped him up out of the water and onto my chest. I looked at him and he wasn't breathing and his eyes were just staring straight ahead. It was really freaky for a second, and Rob immediately started praying for him. Then I saw his eyes move back and forth and I knew he was going to be okay, even though he wasn't breathing yet. The nurses started suctioning him out, but he still didn't breathe, so the midwife told us she had to cut the cord (we had said that Rob wanted to do that) and get him out and help him breathe.

The nurses rubbed him down and suctioned him at a warmer right next to the tub, and Rob was still praying out loud for him as they worked on him for what seemed like an eternity. Finally we heard a little gasp and he was breathing, just not crying. When they gave him back to Rob and I to hold and look at in the tub, we both started crying and thanking the Lord for our little gift. Rob sang the song that he had been singing to him every night for the past nine months, and everyone in the room started crying. It was an amazing moment of worship and thanks to the Lord for carrying us through and giving us this little guy.



After about 45 minutes they wanted to get his vitals, and get me out of the tub and cleaned up. At that point they weighed him and he cried his first real cry. When they saw that he was so small (5lbs 3 oz) they did a bunch of tests on him and saw that his blood sugar level was very low, although that wasn't too much of a concern at that point.



We were then wheeled back to our original room where we tried to get him to eat a bit. Since his blood sugar was low, they brought in an eyedropper of formula to get into his system right away as well.They did another round of tests to determine if he was early or full-term, and they decided that he was indeed 40 weeks, even though the early ultrasound put him at 39 weeks at that point.



That's also when they did another blood sugar test and found that it had dropped since the first one, which was cause for concern since he had already eaten and that should have brought his blood sugar UP, not down. About 5 minutes later a bunch of doctors and nurses crowded into the room and started all talking at once about how small he was and how his blood sugar was low and next thing I knew they were taking him down to the NICU. All I really remember about that was looking over at Rob and saying "stay with him, I'm fine", then everybody was gone. About a half hour or so later I started wondering why I hadn't heard anything, so I forgot that I had a phone next to me and got up and started walking down the hall in search of the NICU. When I found it and saw Rob there watching 3 nurses trying to get the IV line into Jude's tiny arm I totally lost it. I cried and cried and asked what the heck was going on and why nobody kept me in the loop and why Rob didn't have his phone so I could find him. The nurses assured me that everything was fine and we should go back to our room and eat some breakfast. That started our 5-day stay in the NICU, watching his blood sugar levels and teaching him how to eat.





He didn't take too well right away to eating, so feeding times were scary and stressful for me. But with care and attention, he learned how to eat and they started backing off the amount of glucose they were giving him in the IV. As he was able to maintain his blood sugar on his own, they reduced the glucose bit by bit over the next 4 days until he was completely off of it. That was the day that we got to take him to our room! It felt so amazing to go to sleep that night with our own little man sleeping beside us.





They still wanted to monitor him to see how he did without any assistance for about 24 hours before sending him home with us, so we all stayed another day until we got the go-ahead from all the doctors. On Monday morning they gave us the all-clear and we left the hospital at bout 12 noon, just a few hours short of 6 days before we checked in the previous Wednesday. It was almost surreal driving home with this new, teeny-tiny little person to take care of.


(trying to wear his newbord-size going home outfit I had packed for him!)

The first few weeks were pretty rough with having to closely monitor his feedings and going to one doctor or another just about every day. My mom was a HUGE help, she arrived in Minneapolis the evening after Jude was born, and once we got home from the hospital she did SO much for us. My dad got here about a week after Jude was born, and my brothers all came out on his 3-week "birthday". I definitely got spoiled having my family here for a whole month; I don't think I made one meal or went to the grocery store once during that time!



We had our last appointment with the lactation consultant last week and Jude is now 8lbs 1oz; nearly 3 lb. over his birthweight at 5 weeks old! I think we're now past the getting used to him phase and now we're just learning to love him more every day. :)

Total Eclipse Of The BRAIN

In keeping with the spirit of my blog (or wait. It has no spirit... it's nearly dead!) I'm just popping in with a drive-by post. You know, those are the kind that are like a drive-by shooting: random, unexplained, and you may never see the shooter (poster) again. Ha.

Okay, so after cleaning and organizing our apartment* all day, Rob figured I needed a laugh, so he showed me this music video. Someone took Total Eclipse Of The Heart and wrote "literal" words to explain (narrate?) the bizarre music video. I don't think I've laughed so much at anything lately.



Seriously? Did Bonnie Tyler really have hair that hideous? And *what* is she actually supposed to be doing in this video?

The bummer of it is, I actually like the original song. Now I doubt I'll be able to hear it without seeing the creepy lighted glasses on schoolboys. *shudder*



*I totally owe pictures of the moved-into and decorated apartment, I know!

new apartment!

We're moving this weekend! Just upstairs and two apartments over into the corner unit. :) It has two bedrooms *and* a den, so Rob's office will move from our current second bedroom to the new den, thus freeing up the new second bedroom for the little Jude-man and all of his paraphernalia that he will no doubt accumulate.

So, by way of introduction, here are a few pictures of the new place. I'll write a description under each one so you can get a feel for what you're looking at. The layout is identical to our old one, with the exception of the den off of the living room.



This is standing in the living room facing the den and the front door. Notice the wide doorway into the den and the little window in the corner... there's another large window on the other wall, too.



Here I took a few steps back, into the corner of the living room. From the left, you see a tiny sliver of the living room wall, the doorway into the den, the entryway and front door (notice the nicer doors on the front closet!) and the dining area with the cute little archway into the kitchen. :)



This is the dining area with the archway into the kitchen. It makes me smile.



Standing in the hall, looking into the kitchen (we lost a large upper cabinet in order to gain the archway) Also check out the built-in microwave; that means more counter space since we won't have to have our other one on the counter by the sink! Hopefully it works well. Ya never know...



Looking out of the archway into the dining area and a little into the den (notice the other den window) Man, do I wish that stove was gas, I miss it so much!



The other side of the kitchen... the only things that are different are the tile (not vinyl) flooring, and the double sink.



And finally, the view from the balcony. Since we're one floor higher, we see more TREES! Can't wait for those leaves to come out and get *green* already! Silver Lake is just barely visible over the rooftops.

The master bedroom and walk-in closet are exactly the same as our old ones, and the bathroom is the same too, except it has tile flooring just like the kitchen (no carpet at all in the bathroom).

So that's pretty much it! Now to get all our junk up there... oh dear!

I'll post a follow-up to this once we're all settled. IF that happens, that is. ;)

Wow. The pictures turned out so small... huh.

links I'm liking

It's a lovely Saturday morning and I'm lazily browsing the interwebs while glancing up every now and then to watch the grass finally get green(er). Aahhh, weekends!

Being with child, I've been wandering the world wide web and stumbling across baby sites, naturally. Funny how that happens... ;) Anyway, I came across a few sites today that are full of stuff I'm drooling over (heh, how ironic):

Babesta
For the indie-rocker in all of us.

Pixie Rock
Seriously, what Apple lover (aka, Rob) wouldn't love the "iPoo'd" onsie??

Ubooshi
For trendy graphic tees and stuff; apparently all the celeb babies rock this "label". haha

Little Lark
Okay, the little boy on the home page is advertisement enough for me...what a lil heartbreaker! I'm in love with their simple nature-themed designs.

Wry Baby
Kooky off-beat humor. Their tagline is "raise funny people". Yes!

And to keep all these links organized in one easily-accessible place? Heavens no, not the "bookmarks" of your browser... that's so 2007! I use Evernote, an online "information manager" with downloadable, synching programs for your computer (PC, Mac, and even Linux for the true nerds out there) and mobile phone (iPhone... and all the *other* phones). It's SO handy to save -and tag!- links, articles, or whatever I run across, all in one seachable place. How simple!

There are two informative posts on info managers at Rob's blog, if you're interested. :)

So anyway, that's how I'm spending my Saturday morning so far. Next on the list is to get stuff ready for moving day next Friday!

Have a great weekend. :)

and the love child is...