on guilt

It's Sunday morning and I'm catching up on my blog reader (qualifier- we go to church on Saturday nights). Yes, I felt the need to put a qualifier; you'll understand after your read the rest of this post. I came across this post from OMG Mom about "mommy guilt". Go read it then come back and read the rest of this post, it will make so much more sense.

Read it? Okay, good... carrying on then. All I can say is that I TOTALLY relate. Why do we do it to ourselves? I have no idea, but that guilt is almost always there, no matter which option I take. Illustration: Just yesterday Jude flat-out refused to eat or take his bottle except for a little bit in the morning. The day before at his 9-month checkup (which I was 2 months late for. GUILT) our doctor lectured me that he needs to eat more/more often. GUILT. But then my sensible side kicked in and I wanted to ask if *she* has a picky 11-month old. (No. she is a single, successful young doctor and is obviously rolling in dough. Hate) So when Jude wouldn't "EAT, dammit"... I got mad. Really, really mad. I didn't scream at him or anything, but he knew I was mad because I was banging plates and slamming cupboard doors like a 5-year-old. GUILT. So then what happens later that night? He comes down with a raging fever. Turns out he wasn't being obstinate and making my life miserable by not eating his peas like I thought (really? an 11-month old?), but he was getting sick. GUILT. I got mad at a sick baby for not eating. SHAME.

So I'm trying to make it better today by only giving him his favorite foods (bananas + yogurt) and not making him finish it, but THAT is making me feel guilty because I keep seeing Rich Single Doctor in the back of my mind shaking her head and writing notes on Jude's chart as she observes my failure to include protein. GUILT.

So now I'm eating a piece of toasted banana bread in bed from Starbucks, even though I still have 15 lbs. of pregnancy weight to lose. GUILT. And I just got a text from my good pal Johanna about the freaking *triathlon* she was in this morning. She's down 40 lbs. from her pre-preggo weight and her baby is only 6 weeks older than mine. FAIL. GUILT.

I can't win.

But I can do makeup really well, for what THAT'S worth.


Anonymous said...

Some times I just wish that daddy's had a little bit of this mommy-guilt...then maybe we wouldn't have to worry so much!

RamblingTart said...

Hey dear Guilt Lady. :-) You made me smile so big this morning. Go ahead and enjoy your banana bread, and spoil your little man, and do whatever you need to make your world happy today. You matter and your happiness matters and no one's opinions matter unless they go along with how you and Rob want your life to be. No one's. Be you, be beautiful and a little bigger than you'd like, and just do one thing each day to make your body/mind/heart stronger. You're a fabulous lady and don't let anyone, not even YOU, tell you different. :-) As a Guilt Queen myself, that's what I'm doing today to press on. :-)

table43 said...

Aww, I was feeling GUILT all of last week. It's a horrible feeling and you can't help but beat yourself up for it. Did it help to blog it out?! I'm here for you if you ever need someone to rant on or a shoulder to cry on. Oh, and for what it's worth hormones are evil. Just sayin. Also you are a GOOD mommy. Jude is growing just fine. Doctors just aren't used to petite babies, plain and simple. My mom had petite babies and we were always "not good enough" when it came to growth charts...but we turned out just fine - healthy, happy people. Jude looks healthy and is right on track for his age. Don't let what the doctor says RULE your life...like you said, she's single and rich - she has NO FREAKIN' idea what it's like to be a mommy. Okay, so this is turning out to be a book. I can't wait to see you tonight - yay for girls nights (no children allowed!!) and for awesome husbands who let their wives feel like women again!! Love ya!

Crystal Malek said...

I soooo get the guilt thing, too. I've got 22 lbs of post-baby weight left, and doing really NOTHING about it, though I can't stand it! And, sorry the Dr. made you feel bad. They don't know everything they think they do. I started ignoring mine a long time ago, and my babies have turned out just fine. :)

If you figure out a good way to shed those pounds, do share. I'm always looking for a new angle to maybe get me motivated, finally.

Rosanna said...

Thanks, you guys. I know I'm not alone, and that really helps!

Rosanna said...

Crystal- how do we know each other? Or do we? Thanks for the comment. :)

My weight-loss plan is to DO SOMETHING every day (walk, run, swim, bike, dance... as long as it gets my heart-rate up!) for about 30-45 minutes (I know, hard to do w/kiddos), religiously count calories, and try to only eat non-packaged pre-made foods. Oh and drink a LOT of water. So far, when I stay on track it really works. It's the staying on track part... yeah. haha