8.17.2010

nostalgia, part one

So wow, it's August! Erm, it's actually past the middle of August... the 17th, to be exact. Last year on this day I was 10 days away from going through one of the most horribly painful, life-altering, and wonderful experiences of my life, but I didn't know it yet. I was blissfully unaware of the deep valley I was about to go through, and ignorant of the love-explosion that was about to happen. I was still worried that I "wouldn't love Jude" (oh I laugh at myself now) because I'm really not much of a "baby person".

What's amazing to me is how much I've changed. Not just in the obvious way- of course I love my son. And that is a dramatic understatement. It's like the day he was born a door in my heart was opened to reveal a whole room that I didn't have before... my heart actually grew a whole new section. (Figuratively, of course. No extra aortic chambers here) So that's the obvious way in which I've changed, and while it seems obvious now as I look back (duh, I'm going to love the heck outta that baby) it was so new and scary and I was so skeptical *before* I had him. I'm positive it was the grace of God that I have this vast amount of love for him now. And boy am I glad, because you kind of need vast amounts of love to make it through all the crap babies can throw at you. Literally and figuratively. ;)

The not-so-obvious ways in which I've changed are harder to put my finger on; harder to define in so many words. I'm more tender, more attuned to others' suffering, more responsible (ha), more sensitive to emotional pain, and more patient with things that would have driven me batty before, it's like I have this well of patience inside me that amazes me... I often think to myself "why am I even able to deal with this right now??" I know all these things aren't fundamentally from ME, they are gifts of the Holy Spirit as he works on changing me from the inside. And boy, did I need changing. Do. Still DO need changing.

That's another thing that this parenting gig is bringing out- just how selfish I really am. I mean, it's not like I always just LOVE making baby meals 4x a day, cleaning up hands, face, hair, highchair tray, table, floor, walls, etc. after each meal, changing the 3rd poopy diaper of the day- at noon, worrying over whether he getting enough food, etc, etc, etc. There are definitely times when I think back fondly on the years of just "R&R" (without the "J") and wish we could be that carefree again, and sometimes I begrudge the day-in, day-out tasks of my chosen career. It's never been more obvious to me just how much I need *continual* changing, by the power of the Holy Spirit. It's just been so interesting and amusing to me to watch the Lord use my 'lil Jude-man as that agent of change.

And a cute little agent he is, dontcha think?

2 comments:

Crystal Malek said...

He is gorgeous! I was NEVER a baby person. And while now I adore MY babies, I'm still not a huge fan of babies in general (a trait I HATE about myself and continue to pray that the Lord fix.) I'm super selfish, and not sure I saw it pre-mommyhood. Thankful for His DAILY grace. Without it, I'd certainly scar these children beyond what any adult therapy could cure.

Christy said...

Jude is a beautiful baby - but I think you are an excellent mother as well :) I only know the half of how hard parenting is - since I have no kiddos of my own, but I know that they do require alot of patience, and a lot of love :)
Keep up the good work.

(I am in shock that Jude is going to be a year old already - it seems like you just had him! LOL!)