erica

I just discovered and got done reading through the complete archives of my good friend Erica's blog, "Life is Full". I had a lot of fun reading it, it was kinda like wandering around her life for the past year in about 45 minutes. It made me super-homesick for Reno, and for friends who know you without having to tell your complete background and history every time you get together. :) And I must admit, it did make me a little jealous of her life as a mommy, even though her feisty 2-year old throws fits (love ya, Morgan!).

For those of you who don't know Erica, she and I met when I was about 11? 12? and were buddies growing up. We became close friends after her family moved back to the States in the late 90's and we girls started hanging out together as often as we could. Together with her sister Danielle, and the Whittaker girls Hannah & Elizabeth, we became known as "the fab five". We did tons of everything together, like dressing up and spending many single Valentine's Days reveling in our singleness, hanging out and watching movies, sleeping over, shopping, hiking, swimming at 5:30 am, and of course lots and lots of talking about everything that young single girls go through.

Erica and I also led our church's children's ministry together for about 4 or 5 years, what sweet times of growing in the Lord together, learning how to lead, how to sing, and how to really walk out our faith. For the record, Erica is one of only two friends I've ever had a real fight with- complete with tears and yelling. :) Gotta love that, huh, Big E? Good times. No, really, good times. She was the first of the Fab Five to fall in love and get married... that was a wake-up call to the rest of us that life was indeed moving on and we'd better hang on for the ride, 'cuz it wasn't stopping! The morning before Erica's wedding the rest of us pounded on her apartment door at dark-thirty, waking her up and dressing her in crazy clothes and makeup to go out to coffee at our favorite little place. The looks we got were well worth her embarrassment. I'm sure she'd agree. Right, Mrs. Jones?? HA!

I love how real and honest Erica is about the struggles she's going through and how buoyant her faith and joy in life is. Whether she's struggling or floating, she's one of the most realistically optimistic people I know. I miss our bonding times being "wild single women" and "going to Reno to spend some money" while commiserating about our love lives (or lack thereof) and our "delinquent" brothers. But I think we'd both have to say life is ever so much richer being "wild wives"! ;) Love you loads, Erica!

humanness

Wouldn't ya believe that after writing all that, all I can think about and feel bad about today is how I'm not going to get to see my family on my birthday? Helloooooooo

a cause beyond yourself

I've been doing a lot of thinking about life. (how's that for a big, nebulous topic?) It's all of a sudden become painfully obvious to me that my outlook and general mentality toward life has gradually slipped into self-centeredness over the last year or so. It happened very stealthily so that it was barely perceptible, but now it seems so obvious. Like when you see a child for the first time in over a year and you comment to his momma, "wow, he's grown SO MUCH!" the growth is obvious to the visitor who hasn't seen the kid in a while, but to the mom, not so much. I've been the mom, but all of a sudden I feel like the visitor. I'm sorting through my feelings on this realization... and these are going to be raw, random thoughts; hopefully they'll end up somewhat cohesive.

This train of thought started when Rob and I went to the Art*Music*Justice tour for his birthday two days ago. I bought the tickets as a surprise birthday present, thinking "hey, a bunch of artists we like are going to be playing together, how fun!" but I had no idea what the concert was about. It was basically five musicians being a voice for the voiceless. They used their talents (and *woah*, what talent!) to showcase injustices that have touched their hearts. There were basically three causes they were championing: slavery, genocide, and human trafficking & prostitution of young girls. Each of these artists had been to foreign countries with an orginization called International Justice Mission and had purposefully exposed themselves to harsh evils that are being done against helpless people.

Injustices. It's not an easy thing to hear or see, it's upsetting and can shake us to the core to see cruelty being done to a fellow human... and it should. My natural tendency is to avoid stories like that. I don't want to hear about strong, cruel men owning and abusing weaker men, imprisoning them with not only whips and shackles but also by demoralizing them and crushing their very humanness. I don't want to read personal eyewitness accounts of women and children clubbed to death by militant men from neighboring countries. It's not entertaining to watch a video of a 15-year-old Chinese girl (who lived with every Western comfort I do) telling how she was lured with the promise of a "summer job" into the waiting hands of a kidnapper who took her thousands of miles into another country and sold her to a brothel owner who made her "work" 15-20 hours a day. I naturally want to shield myself from the knowledge (and emotion) that those things are happening in this day and age... and I definitely don't want to personalize it further by knowing that they are happening to real people with real feelings and real faith in the same God I worship. I'd rather choose to insulate myself with all the things that concern ME... like the day-to-day stresses of my job, my never-quite-enough bank account, getting to visit my family at Christmas, my new wardrobe wants, what I'm going to make for dinner, etc. etc. etc. I don't think these things in and of themselves are bad or wrong, but when they are ALL I ever concern myself with, that's when the selfishness creeps in. And I've let it completely consume me, almost without realizing it. It's easy because those are the things in my world. That is what I do all the time to survive. I mean, I can't NOT work and I really do have to make dinner... so I can't get away from these things, nor should I (I mean, never making dinner isn't so great on a marriage, let alone a body, y'know?) I just don't want the day-to-day things that only concern me to become *all* I'm about.

I don't want to hop on a bandwagon or crusade saying "how dare you think about fashion when there are starving kids out there!" because I think that's extreme and not sustainable for very long. What I want is to have an over-arching cause that is bigger than my own comfortable, clean little world, and the people that enter into my bubble. It is important to "look well unto the ways of my household" but it's not all. Managing my daily life well is good and worthy, but not to the exclusion of rescuing those who are sliding into hell. Even though I don't like hearing the hard stories, I think it's a very good thing to expose myself to them and allow the Lord to touch me and break my heart with the things that break His. He is close to the brokenhearted and near to the opressed... and I don't want to close my ears and eyes to them! I want my world to be more than all about me. I don't want to forget the things I saw in Africa, like Granny Bandy and her 12 grandchildren that she supported in a house with no trace of food in it because their parents had all died of AIDS. As much as it's uncomfortable for me to think about these things, I know it's good. I want to wake up to what God is doing in the world, both on a large scale and a small, personal scale, and not fool myself into thinking that my little reality IS reality. Kinda like the proverbial ostrich in the sand. One thing I can do to jolt me out of my ignorance and insulation is to get those difficult stories in front of me on a regular basis. Exposing myself to the pain of others is a sure way to forget my trivial frustrations and get me in touch with a bigger view of people, God, and what He's doing to set people free... and how I can be a part of that. Another thing I know I can do is to just start giving. Money. It may be money that I "don't have" (right, like I don't buy Starbucks whenever I feel like it), but I know that God will provide for what He's putting on my heart to do, because He says it in 2 Corinthians 9:10-11: "He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God." That's a promise I want to bank on.

The last two days I've been asking the Lord to touch my heart, and rescue me from an accicentally self-centered view of life. It's just so easy to get completely wrapped up in me: my problems, my issues, and my concerns. There's more to my life than me! Three things happened recently that have been moving me along in this process. Yesterday I called my mom and was just kinda catching up, and I started telling her about the Art*Music*Justice concert. I told her about IJM's work in freeing the girls from the brothels, and the aftercare programs they are in... I had just intended on relaying the information to her, but as I talked about what the Lord had done for one girl there in particular; hearing her daily prayers amongst mocking roommates, listening to her cries, assembling a group of police on a mission to bust the brothel, and her subsequent rescue, I found my heart breaking. At one point, I couldn't even finish my sentence on the phone to my mom... which was okay because she was crying with me on the other end of the phone. I don't know pain. I think that because I don't have enough money to fly home for Christmas, I'm "suffering". And because I think that way, I don't know the mightiness of God. He *moves mountains* on behalf of the broken! And I want to have a shovel. Whether my "shovel" is prayer, or giving money, or going to the hurting people, I don't know yet... but I want to be open. I want to be consumed with something bigger than myself. I want to "be about my Father's businness". Mainly, I want to be a means of grace. I know I don't have to *be* a young girl enslaved in a brothel to experience the freeing power of God... but hearing stories like that where He displays His defending power like that gives me all kinds of faith that He will hear my cries when I'm hurting, and that He answers and delivers and saves, both that girl from her physical slavery AND me from my mental/emotional slavery to my own selfishness. I recently discovered the song, "Mighty To Save" (I know... where have I been?) and the chorus has been resonating in my spirit for the past 4 or 5 days:

"Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave."

I want to re-connect with THAT God. I think I am.

The second thing that stirred me yesterday was a conversation I had with a friend who is going through trials in her marriage. Even though I'm not in the same position as she is, I think the Lord used me to speak words to her that brought hope and life. That humbled me... and made me realize that I don't need to sell all my junk and move to a hut in the heart of Africa to wake up to the reality of suffering. (hmm, that concept can actually hold me back from obeying what the Lord is speaking to me) It's right here. Maybe not human trafficking or tribal kids drinking pond water, but Satan does oppress American Christians, and God still rescues them. Again, I want a shovel!

And then the third thing that moved me was listening to Sara Groves' song "When The Saints" this morning on the way to work. I'd heard it before, but I had never really listened to the words carefullly.

"Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I can’t let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it all can overwhelm me
but I think of all who've gone before them and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary at the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying mans side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down that door

I see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them"

As she was singing about the struggles of the people who have done great things for God, I was picturing each scenario in my mind.. Paul and Silas in prison, beaten and singing, yet still waiting in faith for their God to rescue them; Moses courageously standing before the world power pleading the cause of God's people; people working to free American slaves and give them worth and life; missionaries dying and paving the way for the Gospel; Mother Teresa ministering comfort to the broken; etc, etc. I was especially impacted by the concept that each of these situations was a showcase for the *faithfulness* of the Lord, and how He calls us and empowers us with faith to do bold things like that for Him. As I was thinking about that, tears were threatening to jump out of my eyes and ruin my makeup, and I started to stop them... but then I realized how opposite that was to what I wanted. I want to be tenderized, I want to *feel* the right emotion when the Lord touches me and shows me a facet of Himself. I want to be humble enough to cry. So I did. (Nearly ran off the road, but hey, I figured if He was doing this, He'd protect me.) What was most impacting was the thought that He has rescued helpless people in impossible situations before, He is doing it now in circumstances I don't even know of... so what makes me think He can't or doesn't want to do the same for ME? He knows the areas of my heart and life that are still imprisoned by sin, and He will set me free. Free to love Him with no concern for how I look to others, free from worry and fear, free to do what He has called me to do. I want to join the line of those who have not wasted their lives, but have taken their "talents" and multiplied them 1000x to turn them back to Him.

No more navel-gazing! Now, where to start??

happy birthday

to the kindest of men, the tenderest of husbands, and the most fun friend! Your joy and zest for life inspire me and keep me going, your searching for Jesus compels me to do the same, your honesty challenges me, and your leadership pulls me up to new heights in life. I love you with all my heart and am committed to you for the rest of our lives, Babes. I'm yours... shoulder to shoulder facing Him, back to back fighting our adversaries, and face to face loving each other. You're awesome!

celebratory day

We had such a fabulous day celebrating our anniversary! Well, it wasn't one whole day, but rather two half days... so I figure they make one whole day added together.

On Tuesday we both had off at noon (yay!) so we packed a snackie lunch and headed out. Our first stop was Marshall's to get Rob some new sunglasses, since he left his at home and it was a super-bright sunny day. They were in the process of biting the dust anyway, so we figured now was as good a time as any to get new. Besides, any excuse to shop is valid in my book! We managed to find not one but two really great pair; one sporty New Balance ones, and one hip pair of gold aviators by Marc Jacobs. Sadly, I have no pictures of them. Yet. :)

We then took our hungry selves to White Bear Lake, a big, beautiful, lake (no, really?) to eat our lunch, consisting of hummus, various veggies, pistachios, goat cheese, three varieties of cracker-type things, chocolate-covered pretzels, Jelly Bellys, and Woodchuck cider... yum!

Since there was pretty much no one but us there, and the sun had a lazy-ing effect on us, we stayed about two and a half hours just talking, making up stories, snoozing, and just enjoying each others' company. It's hard to get bored of each other. Really.
At around 3 o'clock we decided to pick up and move on to our next destination: Aamodt's Apple Orchard just outside of Stillwater. Upon our arrival (which was not easy, lemme tell ya... the road construction was a mess!) we were delighted to see that Aamodt's shared property with Saint Croix Vineyards, a small Minnesota winery. We wandered about in the orchard, picking apples and stealing a kiss or two under the shady trees for about an hour. It was load of good ol' country fun. Or at least it was what I imagine country fun to be like... I'm good for about an hour of it.

Here's the orchard:

I wanted to eeeeeaaaat them!

Ohmigosh! Sour!

Oh, you're taking a picture??

We'll take a whole bagful!

I think they're going to make great pie-making apples. Small, crisp, and tart. Once we had filled our bag, we went back through the orchard's store which was a great big huge old restored barn. They had all manner of apple-y things for sale; from pies and cider to jam and popcorn... and of course caramel-covered apples. We managed to restrain ourselves and walked out with only a small apple crisp and a package of apple bratwursts. Oh, and our small bag of hand-picked apples.

Leaving our apple treasures in the car, we decided to pay a visit to the winery next door.
Sadly, I only have a picture of the outside; we were too busy to take any pictures inside, plus the lighting was dim and dusty. The two of us were the only ones in the whole place, so we got the undivided attention of the girl in charge. She told us all about the history of the winery (it a U of M endeavor) and how they make the different kinds of wine... with special French oak to make the barrels, blah blah blah. We tasted a tiny sip of about about 6 different types, (with dark chocolate in between!) and settled on a *very small*, very expensive bottle of raspberry dessert wine. The thought of pouring it over cheesecake sealed the deal for us. :)

We went home and had a cozy evening in. We had planned to watch our wedding video, but we... didn't exactly get to it. It was late, y'know. :)

Then, to round out our celebration, on Saturday I had planned a surprise for Rob; I got tickets to a string quartet concert in downtown St. Paul. So after a day of studying and relaxing by Snail Lake (we're luuu-vin' hanging by lakes these days!), we got all dressed up and went out to dinner, then to hear the Enso string quartet. It was lovely. I felt so very cultured. I almost fell asleep. hahaha. Evidently this particular quartet is quite famous (popular?) amongst the circles that know about string quartets, which are mainly Ivy league musicians and such. At any rate, they were very good, quite young, and wore deliciously coordinating outfits. We enjoyed ourselves and decided to take advantage of other opportunities to go to sophisticated concerts in the future. By the way, St. Paul is a very charming town; I much prefer it to Minneapolis... I think because it's older and feels more artsy. Before the concert, we wandered around the Seventh Street Mall (outdoors, with twinkly lights, cutsy shops, and street musicians) and the old Ham Building (no meat involved) which has gorgeous marble floors and beautiful dark woodwork. I felt like Anne in Anne of Green Gables when she goes to visit Diana's aunt and lives the city life for a day or two.

The only picture I have of the whole evening is one of the quartet, stealthily taken by Rob with his iPhone. Unfortunately that means we have none of our dashing outfits, which is a shame 'cause I had on a new black dress that I felt rather elegant in. Ah well, another time!
In all, I can't believe that I've been living in Minnesota (a state I forgot existed before I moved here) with this crazy, handsome, fun, God-centered man! It's been an adventure and I'm looking forward to what's next. We're happy... so happy.


(yes, we did indeed wear our "Bride" and "Groom" t-shirts from our wedding rehearsal. Why not, right?)

two whole years with you, Babe

It seems like no time at all and forever, all at once! It's been a never-ending journey of knowing and growing... and I've never been so deeply happy. No one knows me and still loves me like you do, Babes. Thank you for loving me, no matter what. Here's to living our life to the fullest... and trying to beat my grandparents' family record of 62 years! I'm more than up for another 60 with you, Rob Hulson!



(for more pictures... visit our other site)

this day... two years ago

September 15.

That date bring all sorts of happy memories flooding my mind. Two years ago, it was the day before my wedding day. It was a day full of preparations, last-minute arrangements, and just a little stress. It was a whirlwind of activity... and anticipation. Lots of heart-stopping, tummy-tickling, happy-sighing anticipation. I'll never forget how I felt that day, knowing that there were only a few hours left between my life as it had always been, and how it was going to be from then on. The next day, my wedding day- September 16, was the second-most pivotal moment of my life, second only to the day my eyes were opened to see the Lord as beautiful. But September 15 was full of *promise*... and the anticipation of the sweet fulfillment of the promise long hoped for.
I remember only a few actual details, like how windy it was and how I prayed for beautiful weather for the next day (it was gorgeous), I remember having a very special time of worship/singing at the piano in my parents house with Rob, my sister, and my friend and bridesmaid, April Talley Williamson. I remember flitting about at the church, overseeing the last-minute decorating and flower arranging. I remember Rob still writing and recording the wedding music (!) haha, that's where the "little bit of stress" came in.
I remember being not much good or help at the church, so I decided to go home and finish up some last-minute cards to family and get some rest (ha). I dropped off Jenni Carroll, the wife of Jon Carroll, one of Rob's groomsmen at her hotel on my way home and we both chatted and laughed about how silly it was to be driving all that way together on THIS day, hardly even knowing each other. Good times. Late that night, I sat up and talked to my mom (on the floor in the hallway outside her room, of all places!) about how excited we both were... we both cried and laughed until it was way too late. Daaaang, I love and miss that lady!
Earlier, I remember hugging so many of my good friends and wishing that we had time to all sit and talk for hours.
I remember dressing for the rehearsal dinner very calmly and taking a bunch of casual pictures with my brothers and parents. I treasure those shots, that was actually the last time we were all together since then!

The rehearsal dinner was beautiful... in a golfcourse clubhouse, overlooking the course with the mountains in the background, it couldn't have been better. I only vaguely remember the actual dinner, one of the things that stands out in my mind is the sweet poem that my good friend Elizabeth wrote for me and read during dinner. I remember not wanting my makeup to run, then not caring.
The rehearsal itself is a complete blur, the only thing I remember clearly is the "oh my gosh" feeling of walking down the aisle with my Dad in the first practice run-through. It all seemed so REAL all of a sudden! There I was, with all my special friends (all together in *my* town!) and my whole family, about to make the most important step in my adult life... with the most amazing man I'd ever met, who was so much like the most amazing of fathers.
Okay, I also remember goofing off with Rob and having a blast with my dearest girlfriends. (Apparently I'm fun to pick up? And apparently I get along well with blonde girls. Maybe takes a special brunette to be my friend... or something?)

After the rehearsal, Rob and I drove back together, and stopped at "our spot" (actually a parking spot in front of a dumpster by a Starbucks, haha) and exchanged our wedding gifts to each other. I gave him a snazzy watch that I put a lot of thought into, and a few other little gifts. I was pleased with my selection... until I opened his gift to me. He had made a hard-bound book full of pictures from the two years we had been together, prefaced by a heartfelt note on the front page. How did I manage to get such a sweet, thoughtful, and creative guy??!
As soon as I opened it, the tears started flowing freely for the first time that day. The thought of that he was going to be MINE, and I was going to be HIS, fully and finally, the very next day was overwhelming. Since January in 2005, when he first told me that he was interested in me, Rob has been the tangible expression of God's grace to me. He has loved me unconditionally, he has listened to and forgiven my deepest sins, and he has led me to pursue a deeper and more "alive" relationship with his treasure, our Lord. Not to mention, he fills my days with happiness and never passes up a chance to make me laugh, usually at him! I honestly can't imagine my life without him; he was made for me, and I for him. We complete each other in ways I didn't even know I needed a completer! Every day I marvel at God's goodness in giving me Rob... and I only ask for more.

We took a few "last engaged kiss" pictures right before he dropped me off at my parents' house for the very last time that night.
If I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything! Like Derek Webb sings, "I Wanna Marry You All Over Again", Baby!

I wanna marry you all over again
I wanna meet you and I wanna be friends
I wanna chase you all the way to Tennessee
I’ll meet your parents at the airport bar
I’ll take you out in my rental car
I wanna court you on the record label’s dime

[Chorus]
come on baby let’s go back to the start
take it back sugar then gimme your heart
don’t you know baby I would do it all over again

I wanna buy you an old upright
I wanna accidentally stay all night
I wanna read the Bible and I wanna make out
I wanna marry you all over again
I wanna fall in love and say we’re just friends
I wanna race you all the way to Kansas City

[Chorus]
come on baby let’s go back to the start
take it back sugar then gimme your heart
don’t you know baby I would do it all over again

I wanna give you a diamond ring
and then we’ll run into my ex-girlfriend
oh, I wanna sing songs while the sun’s going down

[Chorus]
come on baby let’s go back to the start
take it back sugar then gimme your heart
don’t you know baby I would do it all over again