today, I am grateful.

I'm grateful that I get to change Jude's poopy diaper. Again. And again.

I'm grateful that I didn't get to rest this afternoon because he took a short nap. I heard his happy baby sounds only 45 minutes after I put him down, not after an hour and a half, like usual.

I'm grateful that I have a big hamper full of dirty baby clothes and spit-up stained cloths to lug down 4 flights of stairs to the wash.

I'm grateful for his new-found skill of rocking back and forth on all fours, his face beaming up at me like he has just climbed a mountain, because for him, he has.

I'm grateful that he can see with his blue eyes, hear with his perfectly flat little ears, move his chubby little baby arms and legs, and can make noise (oh the noise!) with his fat little lips.

I don't want to take these "common mercies" for granted. I know that laundry and poopy diapers and crying babies aren't the most thrilling things, and they are definitely not the first things that come to mind when I "count my blessings". But there are some mothers who long for these things and do not have them... like my friend Jane whose firstborn has Cerebral Palsy and will never walk... or my friend Sarah who delivered her firstborn at 20 weeks, feeling his tiny kicks all through her agonizingly early labor until moments before his stillbirth... or my friends Molly, Amanda, and Shae whose babies died inside them just weeks before they were to be born, wiggly and squealing, into happy, welcoming arms.

I want my eyes to be opened to see the beauty of the mundane, and my heart to be made alive to the mercy of God that is mine with every new breath I take. I don't want to take any of the moments I have *right now* for granted, no matter where I am on my journey. My friend Leslie reminds me of this; she lost her son when he was 19. My friend Holly reminds me of this; she lost her only brother last year when he was 16. Life is a gift.

More often than not, I forget this. Without realizing it I start to live with the assumption that I deserve my life, and it should be happy, easy, and "normal", and then I slip into the thinking that I'm owed a happy, pain-free life. I want to keep the thought before me that each new morning is a gift I don't deserve, made possible by the hand of God, and I want to use it to live out my praise and thanks to the Giver of life. He *sustains*. And that is what I am grateful for today.

And now, I need to go change a poopy diaper.

six months. 182.5 days. half a year.

Today Jude is six months old.



It's absolutely unreal how fast these last six months have flown by. It feels like a blur! I knew it at the time... I remember thinking when he was 3, 6, 10 weeks old that the days were going by so fast, and now we're already at the half-year point! Sometimes I feel like I "just had a baby" and other times it seems like he's been a part of our lives for so long that it's hard to remember what daily life looked without him.



Well, okay, I *can* remember, but it feels very distant. I suppose that's due to the fact that babies are just so all-encompasing. They permeate every single aspect of your life; your days, your nights, your going out, and your staying in. I used to be upset when people would discount my thoughts on children because I wasn't a parent and "couldn't possibly know what it's really like". And to some degree I still feel that is a bad reason to discount someone's opinions, but I'm starting- just starting- to understand why... you earn this thing called parenting experience with many sleepless nights, tears, and core-changing growth.



I'm really surprised how much being a mother (ack, that's still so odd!) has changed me, and how much it hasn't. I'm still ME, with my same tastes, loves, and quirks, but I'm a different, mellower, deeper version of me. I'm also surprised at how much I love, really love, being a mother. I was so worried about my ability and even questioned my mothering instinct up until the day Jude was born. I remember even telling my mom that I really wished that I was going to have a puppy instead of a baby! She really reassured me by telling me that she felt similar feelings toward children before she had me, and evidentaly she liked me so much she went on to have three more kids, so something must have changed. haha But seriously, I am amazed at how much I like Jude, and like being home with him. I definitely had to work through my fears of boredom and inability, and the working out of those fears came with many tears and really only by taking one trembly step after another. I've never had to lean hard on the Lord like I had to in the first month or two of Jude's life, but He has and is proving Himself strong for me, and I'm really enjoying this scary thing called motherhood.



Anyway, I didn't even really mean to get deep, and I feel like I barely scratched the surface of what I could say about all the ways the Lord is showing me more of who He is. Mainly I just wanted to commemorate Jude's 6 month mark with a few words and pictures. He's great. Really great.

I've always thought flowcharts were cool

I ran across this on the interwebbie the other day and just had to laugh.

five years ago today

Five years ago on January 21, 2005 I was in the middle of a major remodeling project on my bathroom after having just moved back in with my parents. I took a break for a day and drove up to Tahoe to enjoy the scenery... and talk & text with "this guy" who I was "just friends" with. I took this picture and later sent it to him:



Later that night I was working on my computer, and spending at least half my time talking to "him" on AIM. Around dinnertime (I remember I was cooking yellow squash, among other things, I'm sure) he sent me a song. Keith Urban's I Wanna Love Somebody Like You. I kinda hyperventilated.

Much later that night, he called me on the phone and we talked for about 5 hours... until Rob got up the nerve to tell me, in a 15-minute monologue, that he was attracted to me. I responded with an e-mail that I had already written, telling him that our friendship was torturing me... and I needed him to make the first move. I'm so glad he did. My life has never been the same... I love you, Rob Hulson!

I don't think I took my headset out of my ear for the next year and 10 months



and neither did he

one year ago today

A year ago today I was packing to go visit my parents and family for Christmas.



A year ago today I decided to use a 2-year old pregnancy test on a whim instead of throwing it away.



A year ago today I got the most amazing surprise that changed my life forever...


Jude was coming to be our very own tiny son!

Well, of course we didn't yet know that it was Jude who was causing that shock-inducing little pink line, but that was our first indication that he was going to be a part of our lives forever. And what a part he has already played! My life is vastly different than it was a year ago today; it's fuller, tired-er, more responsible, and so much richer than I imagined it could or would be.

A year ago today I didn't know what it felt like to have my son's (MY son!) big blue eyes blink up at me and then see his whole face break into a huge grin. A whole new compartment of my heart has been opened... I didn't know I could love a tiny person so very much! Welcome to our crazy lives, Jude... we're going to have so many fun adventures!

Today!

Christmasey fun

It's definitely starting to feel like Christmas! Yesterday I spent the day baking and cooking for our small group Christmas party, and when I got home last night I made 10 dozen shortbread cookies for a cookie exchange party today. For a girl who doesn't love to cook, that was a lot. I had a really good time doing it, too. I think I figured out a theory: I like to make superfluous and "fun" stuff, but I don't like to do the day in, day out dinners. Haha, convenient, huh? Actually, I *have* been cooking and stuff a lot more in the last few weeks, I feel like I'm getting more on top of things in life so I have more time to meal plan and execute.

So, last night's small group party was load of fun! We ate delicious noms, did the traditional gift exchange (I was the only one who "played dirty" and stole-- a gift card to Caribou from Kyle! Heh, sorry, Kyle!). We played a rousing game of Buzzword and the ladies lost by just a few points. Next year, guys... you're goin' down! But there was also kind of a sadness behind the fun because Kyle and Johanna are moving to help start a small group in their area, starting January 5th. K&J have been such awesome supporters of our small group endeavor; the first time we mentioned the possibility of starting one, they immediately said they'd join us. It's been such a huge morale boost to have them behind us all the way, it will be such a huge change to not have their comments, input, and support each week. Uh oh... I'd better not think too much about it or I might cry! We're excited about what the Lord has ahead of them in their own town, and know that they will be a huge blessing to everyone they're involved with. And anyway, we'll see them for church on Saturday nights starting soon. So it's all so good.

The ladies


Our hot honeys + Cory


Although it's usually a bit more like this:



And this:



Lots of love in this group. Oh yes.



The cookie exchange this morning was all kinds of awesome, too... fun meeting new friends and re-connecting with others. And the cookies? Can I just say *ahhh-may-zing*? I ended up with way too many cookies for two people to legally consume- russian tea cookies, ginger-chocolate chip, sugar cookies, spicy crinkle things, peanut butter balls, gingersnaps, chocolate chip, peanut butter with the chocolate kiss on tip, shortbread, and some fudge thrown in for good measure! I'm sure I'm missing some, too. the table was positively creaking under the weight.

Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures of the event, so I'll just have to wait for Jo or someone to load some up on Facebook so I can steal them, just like I nicked those ^ small group ones from Kyle and a few from Jessica. Cuz that's how I roll. Hey, at least I'm giving credit, right? ;)

And now the little Jude-man is down for his final nap of the day and I'm just finishing a russian tea cookie and some hot tea, with Chesterton curled up by my feet. Mmm, so cozy!

congrats, Rob!

So I keep thinking that I'm going to blog. That thought is immediately followed by the ideas that I need to be 1) eloquent, 2)have something deep and insightful to say, 3)cool and witty. I then give up on my blog post before it even had the chance to see the light of day.

A good friend of mine recently told me that all she does is post little snippets of things that are a part of her day, so I'm gonna give that a try. Who knows... I just may resurrect this poor lonely blog after all.

So for starters:

Rob and are taking off for Chicago on Friday morning. He is going to walk with his graduating class at Moody Bible Institute on Saturday morning! Yes, yes... he IS in his second year of his master's at TBI (which is now BCS, but I can't call it that yet) but this is for his undergrad work. Rob likes to joke that he "crammed a 4-year degree into 8 years!", but also during those 8 years he worked full-time, moved across the country three times, got married, started grad school, and had a baby (well, technically *I* had the baby, but you get the point). All that to say that I'm immensely proud of my hard-working husband! Way to go, Babes... it won't be long until late-night exam cramming is a thing of the past!

Anyone have any cool spots we shouldn't miss in Chicago?